22. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

You know how you’ll see headlines that go something like  “FBI: Leaks to media unsolved” or “SEC: We had no idea what a ponzi scheme was.”  So I saw one the other day that I thought read “NASCAR: Polar ice melting at accelerated rate.” I’m thinking, why does NASCAR care about polar ice? Obviously it was NASA who was talking about polar ice, but I did figure out why NASCAR would care.

Why does NASCAR care? Well, not for the obvious reason that they spew untold and pointless pollution into the air during their races and practices. And not because their plans for a NASCAR track at the North Pole would be foiled.

No, it’s because sea levels will rise and and flood places like the Florida panhandle, Georgia and Alabama and thus displacing the majority of NASCAR fans. The furture of the sport might be at stake.

If they are so worried  about sea levels rising, maybe they should come up witha  strategy to combat ice melt. Maybe they should go green. Convert all race cars to electric. No more pollution.

I know it sounds silly, but remember that car companies gain great deals of knowledge from car racing in designing new cars in respects to aerodynamics, horse power and so on. So it might stand to reason that car companies could learn a great deal about electric motors and batteries and the like from racing electric cars. 

 And if NASCAR doesn’t want to go green, I say we nationalize it and force it to go green. That way NASCAR could benefit all Americans, not just those in the Florida panhandle. And then from all the technological advances that occur we can design the new People’s Car and then we can nationalize Chrysler and have them make the new People’s Car.

Brilliant!

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5. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

You know how sometimes when you eat out for breakfast or decide to make a big brunch that the amount of food, the fattiness or sweetness is all just a bit too much.  And you think after your done, I did not need 3000 calories for breakfast. I did not need two eggs, pancakes, hash-browns and sausage. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it the next time.

I thought I saw a product this morning that instead of raging against this behavior, seemed to embrace it. My nephew was making some breakfast this morning and saw he was going to make some sausage. I saw the box across the kitchen and was sure the box said “Sizzle and Seizure.” I thought, now that is embracing the spirit of the mega breakfast. No apologies.

The product name was actually “Sizzle and Serve” but we all know “Sizzle and Seizure” is more accurate and we accept the marketing ploy as the norm. Marketing. What a powerful thing. I was going to say that marketing is the opiate of the people, but that’s not quite right. But it is the something of the people for sure, I just haven’t put my finger on the right word. Maybe it’s the breakfast sausage of the people. Who knows.

I do know I made my nephew make me some breakfast while he was at it and so was in no ways deterred  by the overt or covert message of the “Sizzle and Seizure” sausage.

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2. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

OK,

So I saw a panel truck today with a logo on it that read “BJs Wood Services.’  Nope, I didn’t misread it.

That’s it. I’ve got nothing.

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1. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

I was driving home from North Dakota the other day after visiting my Mom. Not much to see on that road back except road signs and billboards. I misread a few.

A saw a sign on an exit ramp  somewhere between Bismarck and Fargo. I thought it said “No Survivors.” And as I looked to my right and saw a couple run down farm building, I thought, “Perhaps.” The sign actually said no services, which is obviously a common sign on exit ramps in North Dakota. I wondered whether No Survivors meant “if you’re looking for someone they are probably not here” or “if you take this exit you may not survive.”  I few years ago it was probably the first thought. But with oil booming and windpower growing the state has become a decent energy exporter with the state budget surplus this year over a billion, maybe they’re just trying to keep the opportunists out.

Then upon approaching Fargo I saw I a billboard that said “Industrial Medicine Services.” I wondered if this was an alternative to managed care. Kind of like industrial equipment, maybe.  Like the difference between a hobbyist table saw and an industrial table saw, or the difference between a $50 Black and Decker paint sprayer and a $4000 paint sprayer. The cheaper smaller equipment can be used by most anyone, can be set up quickly and kind of works for your needs and is efficient for small jobs. Whereas the big equipment probably takes some training, requires more setup and so is best used for big jobs and  pushing lots of units through.

Hey, hold on. That sounds just like managed care. See they thought they could pull one over on me. No siree. Whoever they are.

Oh, I did see a good sign out front of a Walmart in North Dakota.  In front of a cage filled with X-mas trees I saw a sign that said “Christmas Trees are Free.” Alas it really just said “Christmas Trees are here.” Then I thought maybe a new priceless Visa commercial could go “Christmas is free. Enjoying it is not. Visa, it’s everything you want Christmas to be.” But that is so cynical.  Come on, the Whos proved you could enjoy Christmas without presents. I mean, all I need is some eggnog and a battered copy of The Ref.

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15. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

If you’re going to write about the sun, I suppose you have to be prepared for songs about the sun to start running through your head.

Right now there is a war raging in my head. Who shall win and what might it mean is what concerns me.

In one corner we have “You are My Sunshine”.  Powered by the Ultra saccharin line “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, You make me happy when skies are gray, etc.” It’s only weakness is that it doesn’t go for the jugular with some puppy dogs and daisies.  But is able to hold in reserve the fact that the Man in Black himself recorded a version of it.

In the other corner we have the “Sunnyside of the Street” by the Pogues.  A seemingly brutal but perhaps ultimately optimistic look on life. Powered by these lyrics “Seen the carnival at rome, Had the women, I had the booze, All I can remember now, Is little kids without no shoes, So I saw that train And I got on it, With a heartful of hate, And a lust for vomit, Now I’m walking on the sunnyside of the street.” Not much to add to that except you probably follow it with a shot and not a spoonful of sugar.

I sense some sort of showdown here. But maybe Johnny Cash can walk over to the sunnyside of the street and have a beer with Shane MacGowan and work things out. I think that would be a good resolution.  
 

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14. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

You never know what you’ll find on Craigslist. Especially the free section. Today I thought I found happiness.

I saw, right at the the top of the section called Free, “Sun in Alley, 123 Main Street.” I’m like someone is giving sun away. That’s like giving away happiness. 

But then I thought, hmm. The alley is a strange place for there to be lots of sun, though I suppose many a person has found happiness there. Use some caution on this one.

Needless to say I did not run out to find that free sun and turns out it was just “Stuff in the Alley” anyway, which again shows you that you see what you want to see.  But if that’s true then maybe you can give away sun to someone who’s willing to see it that way.

Maybe it is like Smokey Bear said: Only you can prevent forest fires. Except that what he really was going to say before some PR person changed it was : Only you can see happiness in a patch of sunlight coming down through a canopy of green.

So now I am thinking who knows what I might find on Craigslist if I just look at it in the right way. And who knows what I might find as I wander through my other daily activities. Will my vision be rose colored or myopic or shaded or jaded. Depends what glasses I put on or maybe how much coffee I have had or what sharp tool I have recently jabbed into my hand or whether there is still a nice piece of chocolate still in the fridge.

Chocolate! Scratch everything I just said. Chocolate is happiness and until someone is giving away free chocolate in a back alley somewhere I won’t be satisfied.

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1. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

Yesterday I was looking for a homeopathic remedy (for what I shall not say) on the Internet. All kinds of things show up, of course. I misread one and thought it said “Homeopathic Cure for Sins.” I was like, Sweet.  Unfortunately it was actually Sinus and not sin.

Homeopathic medicine is an alternative to mainstream Western medicine, so I thought maybe there is a  homeopathic forgiveness  alternative to mainstream religious forgiveness. Kind of like  some homeopathic health cures don’t have the same nasty side effects as pharmaceuticals or surgery, so then a homeopathic cure for a sin might be free of typical side effects, say like guilt.

But maybe these cures really are out there. Or maybe they are not so much cures as treatments. Things like cleansings and meditations and herbals and body work. In essence, treating the spirit through the body.

Or maybe it wasn’t about the after effects but more of a vaccine. Perhaps it would stop you from sinning  or like a vaccine reduce the risk of sinning. Or perhaps it is like a sin contraceptive that allows you to sin but reduces or eliminates the repercussions. Or maybe that’s just called amorality.

Speaking of misreadings. As often as I misread things I am sure there are at times subconscious or Freudian things at play. Or maybe you just at times misread it be something you want it to be.

Like just now I was looking at envelope on desk that I was reading the back of. Granted I was reading it upside down and it had one of those “Printed on Recycled Paper” logos and says Printed on recycled Paper containing at least 30% post consumer waste.

What I saw was “Contaminated at least 30%.” I’m not sure what that would mean but I thought it was maybe like hamburger that is “At last 75% lean” though I am not sure if I really know what that means either.

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29. August 2008 by Joe Gergen.

I was just driving home from picking up some wood, and I got behind this panel van with logo with a globe that I thought said “SeverWorld.”  (Actually said ServerWorld, which I thought was kind of lame)

So I’m thinking “SeverWorld”, what kind of company is this. Obviously not in the business of decapitations. Maybe they help relocate you, thus severing you from your old home.  Or maybe they help sever you from your crappy life, like a mobile band of roving interventionists hired by you or a loved (or more likley unloved one).

Maybe they are like the privatized version of witness protection. You pay them to create a new life for you somewhere else after you have effed up your current one. Maybe money can buy you a clean slate.

Or maybe you can hire them to sever someone out of your world. Need to get rid of loser husband, call SeverWorld. Annoying co-worker or boss, call SeverWorld. It’s like calling out a non-lethal hit on someone. Instead of killing them, they get relocated to Bolivia or Zambia. And by he time they get back they are so traumatized and emotionally wrecked they just fall off the radar.

Call today.

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28. July 2008 by Joe Gergen.

As the Minnesota State Fair inches closer, I remember walking through the grounds last year and seeing a booth in the distance over the throngs of people. “Cruelty Fries” is what I thought it said and was intrigued by the idea, believing that many of the foods at the state fair are indeed cruel tricks on unsuspecting fair goers. Read the rest of this entry »

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20. July 2008 by Joe Gergen.

“Hundreds of baby geniuses washing up dead on Brazilian shores” is what I thought the headline read. An awfully shocking thought that was fortunately a misread on my part. I could unfortunately imaging the cult out there that might exist that was kidnapping the world’s smartest babies. Read the rest of this entry »

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