9. April 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I was traveling again this week. Travel means airplanes and hotels and broken patterns. I tend to get dehydrated when I travel. don’t drink enough water.

So one morning this week I wake up to my alarm, sit up quickly and notice blood running from my nose fairly profusely. I am not alarmed. This happens.  So I walk calmly from the bedroom to the bathroom. I’m holding my hands to my face to stop from bleeding all over, not having anything else to staunch the bleeding. I turn the light on in the bathroom grab a pristinely white towel and proceed to bleed all over it.

I felt bad about bleeding all over the white towel, but what was I to do. So I eventually stopped bleeding and took a shower and got ready to leave. Now remember, it’s early. I have had no coffee. No food. I’m hurrying a bit.

So I go into the bathroom one last time  to blow my nose and I turn to leave the bathroom and go to turn off the light. Of course, I finally notice the smear of blood down the wall and over the light switch. I’m like, crap, I can’t leave a smear of blood down the wall. Who knows what the maid is going to think. I’m going to come back that night and have CSI swabbing the hotel room down. No way. So I quickly grabbed a wash cloth and wet it down and cleaned the blood off.  I figured there was nothing I could do about the bloody towel and wash cloth.

On a non-bloody note, I was at a book store the other day and walked by a rack of magazines. One of them had a picture of a nice looking woman on the front with the headline, or so I thought, of “Untimely Makeup.”  Now what the hell did that mean? At first I thought it was referring to putting on makeup without enough time and having disastrous results. I’m thinking it’s a self-improvement thing you see on the covers of women’s magazines all the time you know, like “Fives ways to have great hair” or “Find a man in three months” kind of thing.

No, hold on, I’m thinking, that is not it. It’s more like makeup betrayals. How women got caught having affairs because they started wearing more makeup or paying more attention to their makeup and those around them noticed.

But maybe it is self-help. Because right after the stories of discovered affairs comes a section on “Seven ways to disguise the sexier makeup you are wearing for your lover.”  Because what would be the point of dragging these women’s failed affairs through a magazine if there wasn’t a plan to help other women avoid their fates. Brilliant!

Posted in Permusations, Misreadings | No Comments »

6. March 2009 by Joe Gergen.

And I know I am delirious not just because I have a horrible fever but because it took me five minutes to figure out how to spell delirious.

Misread of the week .

I was at the coop the other day buying some Vitamin D Gummies. Like the good consumer that I am definitely not, I actually looked at the ingredients. I am so glad I did. Besides obviously the vitamin D, it indicated that it was made with “naturally occurring cookie flavors.” I was so stoked I didn’t even care if there was going to vitamin D in it. I’m like, this is something right out of Willy Wonka.

Though I don’t think they taste much like cookies, though I suppose it depends of what kind of cookie flavors were in the batch. Maybe they were lemon drop cookies, which is kind of what it tasted like.

I’ll have to write them and recommend Chocolate chip cookie flavor. Damn, mentioning chocolate cookies almost made me hungry but not quite. 

Posted in Misreadings | 1 Comment »

27. February 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I flew back into town last night from Charlotte. It was 63 and sunny when I got to the airport. We were delayed in taking off several times because the airport in Minneapolis was closed to plow the runways. But we eventually did land amid the blowing snow and dropping temperature. So there was about 8 inches of snow and it was 3 degrees on the way to work today. That’s just damn confusing to the brain and the body.

 I did see a good misread on the plane though. there was a guy sitting in front of me across the aisle. I could see the spine of his book. i thought it said “Liberalism is a Mind Disorder” which I thought was pretty funny so I looked at it again to see what it really said and that’s what it really said. Curiosity got to me and I kept looking over at the guy for some reason, maybe hoping to see who would be reading such a book, but I definitely stopped looking over there when I noticed he was paging through a catalog filled with assault rifles. I immediately found something else to focus on.

Other good misreads this week.

When I was in Charlotte, my colleague and I were driving down one the highways between the hotel and the office. I saw this road sign that I thought said “Unusual to Pass.” And I thought I wonder why? The road did not look that odd. I thought maybe it was just trying to confuse people into doing nothing. If they were too busy trying to figure out what the sign meant they may not attempt to pass. Of course the sign said “Unlawful to Pass,” but I thought maybe the misdirection of “Unusual to Pass”  would create some confusion while at the same time not aggravate people who have problems with being told what not to do and would choose to pass just because it told them not to.

 The good one today came from a new cd I bought. The name of the band is Baby Soda. And the title of the cd is actually “Cures Everything but the Blues.” What I thought it said and thought nothing of it until much later was “Curse Everything but the Blues,” which I thought made total sense and didn’t even think I had misread it. It was so bluesy it was perfect.

Posted in Misreadings | No Comments »

22. February 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I was just down in the Charlotte area for work. When I got back someone asked me if I had received any good southern hospitality.  I thought about it and thought, yes. People were very friendly and helpful in a little different way than in the north.

But I didn’t realize just how much this permeated or thought it permeated the culture until my traveling companions and I were checking the rental car back in.  I hadn’t really paid that much attention to the process of checking in and was standing near some benches where the shuttle to the airport picks you up.

I was gazing across the lot when I saw a sign that was giving instructions on how to check the car in. You know, park your car in designated spot, check for personal items, etc. Then the last line said ”Note:” and was followed by what I thought was ”Date,” ”Mileage” and lastly “Feel Love.” I was like, wow, that is really extending hospitality. I had already been addressed as sugar and love but this really sold me on southern hospitality.

My bad eyes forced me to walk a little closer to see what was really going on and I was disappointed when I found that it did indeed not say “Feel Love” but “Fuel Level.” It indeed made more sense but somehow I felt as if a little bit of my utopianesque view of southern hospitality had been torn away to reveal a little bit of that penny-pinching Yankee way.

 But then again, I don’t know how much of a Yankee I am since I grew up 40 some odd miles from the Canadian border in North Dakota. I’ve been accused of having a Canadian accent more often than a midwestern one, though I’ve never had “eh” as a part of my vocabulary. When I return to the Carolinas maybe I’ll try to explain that I’m not a Yankee but I suspect for all their southern hospitality they won’t really care about the distinction. Who can blame em.

Posted in Permusations, Misreadings | No Comments »

22. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

You know how you’ll see headlines that go something like  “FBI: Leaks to media unsolved” or “SEC: We had no idea what a ponzi scheme was.”  So I saw one the other day that I thought read “NASCAR: Polar ice melting at accelerated rate.” I’m thinking, why does NASCAR care about polar ice? Obviously it was NASA who was talking about polar ice, but I did figure out why NASCAR would care.

Why does NASCAR care? Well, not for the obvious reason that they spew untold and pointless pollution into the air during their races and practices. And not because their plans for a NASCAR track at the North Pole would be foiled.

No, it’s because sea levels will rise and and flood places like the Florida panhandle, Georgia and Alabama and thus displacing the majority of NASCAR fans. The furture of the sport might be at stake.

If they are so worried  about sea levels rising, maybe they should come up witha  strategy to combat ice melt. Maybe they should go green. Convert all race cars to electric. No more pollution.

I know it sounds silly, but remember that car companies gain great deals of knowledge from car racing in designing new cars in respects to aerodynamics, horse power and so on. So it might stand to reason that car companies could learn a great deal about electric motors and batteries and the like from racing electric cars. 

 And if NASCAR doesn’t want to go green, I say we nationalize it and force it to go green. That way NASCAR could benefit all Americans, not just those in the Florida panhandle. And then from all the technological advances that occur we can design the new People’s Car and then we can nationalize Chrysler and have them make the new People’s Car.

Brilliant!

Posted in Misreadings | No Comments »

5. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

You know how sometimes when you eat out for breakfast or decide to make a big brunch that the amount of food, the fattiness or sweetness is all just a bit too much.  And you think after your done, I did not need 3000 calories for breakfast. I did not need two eggs, pancakes, hash-browns and sausage. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it the next time.

I thought I saw a product this morning that instead of raging against this behavior, seemed to embrace it. My nephew was making some breakfast this morning and saw he was going to make some sausage. I saw the box across the kitchen and was sure the box said “Sizzle and Seizure.” I thought, now that is embracing the spirit of the mega breakfast. No apologies.

The product name was actually “Sizzle and Serve” but we all know “Sizzle and Seizure” is more accurate and we accept the marketing ploy as the norm. Marketing. What a powerful thing. I was going to say that marketing is the opiate of the people, but that’s not quite right. But it is the something of the people for sure, I just haven’t put my finger on the right word. Maybe it’s the breakfast sausage of the people. Who knows.

I do know I made my nephew make me some breakfast while he was at it and so was in no ways deterred  by the overt or covert message of the “Sizzle and Seizure” sausage.

Posted in Permusations, Misreadings | No Comments »

2. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

OK,

So I saw a panel truck today with a logo on it that read “BJs Wood Services.’  Nope, I didn’t misread it.

That’s it. I’ve got nothing.

Posted in Misreadings | No Comments »

1. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

I was driving home from North Dakota the other day after visiting my Mom. Not much to see on that road back except road signs and billboards. I misread a few.

A saw a sign on an exit ramp  somewhere between Bismarck and Fargo. I thought it said “No Survivors.” And as I looked to my right and saw a couple run down farm building, I thought, “Perhaps.” The sign actually said no services, which is obviously a common sign on exit ramps in North Dakota. I wondered whether No Survivors meant “if you’re looking for someone they are probably not here” or “if you take this exit you may not survive.”  I few years ago it was probably the first thought. But with oil booming and windpower growing the state has become a decent energy exporter with the state budget surplus this year over a billion, maybe they’re just trying to keep the opportunists out.

Then upon approaching Fargo I saw I a billboard that said “Industrial Medicine Services.” I wondered if this was an alternative to managed care. Kind of like industrial equipment, maybe.  Like the difference between a hobbyist table saw and an industrial table saw, or the difference between a $50 Black and Decker paint sprayer and a $4000 paint sprayer. The cheaper smaller equipment can be used by most anyone, can be set up quickly and kind of works for your needs and is efficient for small jobs. Whereas the big equipment probably takes some training, requires more setup and so is best used for big jobs and  pushing lots of units through.

Hey, hold on. That sounds just like managed care. See they thought they could pull one over on me. No siree. Whoever they are.

Oh, I did see a good sign out front of a Walmart in North Dakota.  In front of a cage filled with X-mas trees I saw a sign that said “Christmas Trees are Free.” Alas it really just said “Christmas Trees are here.” Then I thought maybe a new priceless Visa commercial could go “Christmas is free. Enjoying it is not. Visa, it’s everything you want Christmas to be.” But that is so cynical.  Come on, the Whos proved you could enjoy Christmas without presents. I mean, all I need is some eggnog and a battered copy of The Ref.

Posted in Misreadings | No Comments »

15. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

If you’re going to write about the sun, I suppose you have to be prepared for songs about the sun to start running through your head.

Right now there is a war raging in my head. Who shall win and what might it mean is what concerns me.

In one corner we have “You are My Sunshine”.  Powered by the Ultra saccharin line “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, You make me happy when skies are gray, etc.” It’s only weakness is that it doesn’t go for the jugular with some puppy dogs and daisies.  But is able to hold in reserve the fact that the Man in Black himself recorded a version of it.

In the other corner we have the “Sunnyside of the Street” by the Pogues.  A seemingly brutal but perhaps ultimately optimistic look on life. Powered by these lyrics “Seen the carnival at rome, Had the women, I had the booze, All I can remember now, Is little kids without no shoes, So I saw that train And I got on it, With a heartful of hate, And a lust for vomit, Now I’m walking on the sunnyside of the street.” Not much to add to that except you probably follow it with a shot and not a spoonful of sugar.

I sense some sort of showdown here. But maybe Johnny Cash can walk over to the sunnyside of the street and have a beer with Shane MacGowan and work things out. I think that would be a good resolution.  
 

Posted in Permusations, Misreadings | No Comments »

14. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

You never know what you’ll find on Craigslist. Especially the free section. Today I thought I found happiness.

I saw, right at the the top of the section called Free, “Sun in Alley, 123 Main Street.” I’m like someone is giving sun away. That’s like giving away happiness. 

But then I thought, hmm. The alley is a strange place for there to be lots of sun, though I suppose many a person has found happiness there. Use some caution on this one.

Needless to say I did not run out to find that free sun and turns out it was just “Stuff in the Alley” anyway, which again shows you that you see what you want to see.  But if that’s true then maybe you can give away sun to someone who’s willing to see it that way.

Maybe it is like Smokey Bear said: Only you can prevent forest fires. Except that what he really was going to say before some PR person changed it was : Only you can see happiness in a patch of sunlight coming down through a canopy of green.

So now I am thinking who knows what I might find on Craigslist if I just look at it in the right way. And who knows what I might find as I wander through my other daily activities. Will my vision be rose colored or myopic or shaded or jaded. Depends what glasses I put on or maybe how much coffee I have had or what sharp tool I have recently jabbed into my hand or whether there is still a nice piece of chocolate still in the fridge.

Chocolate! Scratch everything I just said. Chocolate is happiness and until someone is giving away free chocolate in a back alley somewhere I won’t be satisfied.

Posted in Misreadings | No Comments »