19. April 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I was at a flea market yesterday.  A rough sea of goods bumpy enough to induce sea sickness in even the toughest of consumers.

I am at best a horrible consumer, possibly an abomination, but the intriguing nature of what goes on at a flea market keeps me strong.

I was not only intrigued by what others seemed to find fascinating but what I seemed to find fascinating.

I am drawn to old musical instruments. Why? I can’t play any of them, except for the fiddles.  Most of the are in states that would render them unplayable. The cost of fixing them would exceed the cost of buying a functioning one. Though I did buy an old cello once and had it repaired. It does looks really cool. It is currently playable but met all the conditions above. I am not even a collector kind of person. Why did I buy it? I have no idea. Though yesterday I did see an old glockenspiel looking thing.

You know maybe it’s just a desire to save the instruments. Let them live to be played another day.

Maybe it’s more interesting what I am not drawn to. I am a furniture designer and maker. Not even remotely interested in old tools. And there are lots of them at a flea market.

I forgot the point that I was making. I get so overwhelmed i can’t remember any of the stuff I saw there. It’s all one big amalgamated blur. Maybe that’s the point.

Though I did buy something yesterday. Some new eyewear. They are more geared to my artistic side. I couldn’t quite get myself to go uber hispter but it’s a start. We’ll refer to them as my Dieter glasses. You know, Dieter Sprockett. 

Linda and I always joke that I need to be more artsy, hipster in order to sell more furniture. I said I should change my company name to Furniture by Dieter. People would buy it because it sounds more hipster. So now I have Dieter glasses and the next step is Dieter clothing, though I am really sure I can’t fit into any of those skinny leg ’60s pants. Dieter is coming.

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9. April 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I was traveling again this week. Travel means airplanes and hotels and broken patterns. I tend to get dehydrated when I travel. don’t drink enough water.

So one morning this week I wake up to my alarm, sit up quickly and notice blood running from my nose fairly profusely. I am not alarmed. This happens.  So I walk calmly from the bedroom to the bathroom. I’m holding my hands to my face to stop from bleeding all over, not having anything else to staunch the bleeding. I turn the light on in the bathroom grab a pristinely white towel and proceed to bleed all over it.

I felt bad about bleeding all over the white towel, but what was I to do. So I eventually stopped bleeding and took a shower and got ready to leave. Now remember, it’s early. I have had no coffee. No food. I’m hurrying a bit.

So I go into the bathroom one last time  to blow my nose and I turn to leave the bathroom and go to turn off the light. Of course, I finally notice the smear of blood down the wall and over the light switch. I’m like, crap, I can’t leave a smear of blood down the wall. Who knows what the maid is going to think. I’m going to come back that night and have CSI swabbing the hotel room down. No way. So I quickly grabbed a wash cloth and wet it down and cleaned the blood off.  I figured there was nothing I could do about the bloody towel and wash cloth.

On a non-bloody note, I was at a book store the other day and walked by a rack of magazines. One of them had a picture of a nice looking woman on the front with the headline, or so I thought, of “Untimely Makeup.”  Now what the hell did that mean? At first I thought it was referring to putting on makeup without enough time and having disastrous results. I’m thinking it’s a self-improvement thing you see on the covers of women’s magazines all the time you know, like “Fives ways to have great hair” or “Find a man in three months” kind of thing.

No, hold on, I’m thinking, that is not it. It’s more like makeup betrayals. How women got caught having affairs because they started wearing more makeup or paying more attention to their makeup and those around them noticed.

But maybe it is self-help. Because right after the stories of discovered affairs comes a section on “Seven ways to disguise the sexier makeup you are wearing for your lover.”  Because what would be the point of dragging these women’s failed affairs through a magazine if there wasn’t a plan to help other women avoid their fates. Brilliant!

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29. March 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I don’t mail many things now days. Not because I don’t like mail  but because the only thing I used to mail regularly was bills and now I pay those all electronically.

But the other day I actually needed to mail something. You know a simple letter, just an envelope with a piece of paper in it, should take just a single stamp. No worries.

Was I wrong.  You see I just needed a single stamp. Now, one used to able to buy stamps out of ATMs or at Wells Fargo ATMs, which was super slick. But for some reason they removed that capability. Don’t know why, probably some contract dispute. The post office probably wanted to be paid the equivalent of having a post office employee standing there handing out the stamps, for each ATM. Probably kind of spendy.

So I stopped at the local US Postal substation on the way home from work. I walk into the lobby looking for one of those stamp dispensing machines. And I remembered that the last time I was in a substation they did have them though they no longer took cash and did not dispense individual stamps. Well, this substation did that one one better. They did not have any stamp vending machines whatsoever. Zero, less than 1, nada. Huh?

So I get in line. Not unusual length even as post office lines go. The usual, totally expected things go on at the counter. Someone trying to mail some massively heavy item and somehow astounded at the cost, someone trying to figure out how return mail works. You know, the usual.

So I am standing there feeling guilty that I am in this slowly moving line holding up people behind me and all I want is a stamp. One stamp. But clearly I have no options. I observe that the clerks are even doing a good job considering the diversity of requests they are getting. I am OK with the progress and finally get my stamp.

But I wander out thinking about the stamps that are no longer in the ATM machines, the lack of vending machines in the post office lobby and recall the other day the US Postal Service looking for money to keep going.

I’m thinking, money, you want money, are you kidding, I just walked by the money.

Now I am not in favor of having people lose their jobs, except that one guy I worked with in college who as a total tool and should have been fired. Anyway, I’d be willing to guess that the major source of expense for the USPS is labor. So why are you having  a guy hand me a stamp when I could have actually gotten it much faster from a machine. Less labor, happier customer.

Oh well, that’s nothing new.

 So at the end of last week I knew I was tired at work when I was writing a note out and I needed to reference receiving something by fax or e-mail. I would typically write that like “Need to be able to receive by fax/e-mail blah, blah, blah.” But instead I wrote “need to be able to receive by fax slash e-mail.” It was like I was using dictation software and it wrote exactly what I said. Yikes.

And then I was typing a note about needing some “error queues” to clean up work.  I actually typed and fortunately caught before sending was “Eros queues.” It was clearly wrong but I bet I would get much more interest in the concept of Eros queues.  Maybe if we combined them it could be like an advice column called “Errors of Eros” where you can learn how to avoid romantic blunders or share them. Call for advice right now…

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22. February 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I was just down in the Charlotte area for work. When I got back someone asked me if I had received any good southern hospitality.  I thought about it and thought, yes. People were very friendly and helpful in a little different way than in the north.

But I didn’t realize just how much this permeated or thought it permeated the culture until my traveling companions and I were checking the rental car back in.  I hadn’t really paid that much attention to the process of checking in and was standing near some benches where the shuttle to the airport picks you up.

I was gazing across the lot when I saw a sign that was giving instructions on how to check the car in. You know, park your car in designated spot, check for personal items, etc. Then the last line said ”Note:” and was followed by what I thought was ”Date,” ”Mileage” and lastly “Feel Love.” I was like, wow, that is really extending hospitality. I had already been addressed as sugar and love but this really sold me on southern hospitality.

My bad eyes forced me to walk a little closer to see what was really going on and I was disappointed when I found that it did indeed not say “Feel Love” but “Fuel Level.” It indeed made more sense but somehow I felt as if a little bit of my utopianesque view of southern hospitality had been torn away to reveal a little bit of that penny-pinching Yankee way.

 But then again, I don’t know how much of a Yankee I am since I grew up 40 some odd miles from the Canadian border in North Dakota. I’ve been accused of having a Canadian accent more often than a midwestern one, though I’ve never had “eh” as a part of my vocabulary. When I return to the Carolinas maybe I’ll try to explain that I’m not a Yankee but I suspect for all their southern hospitality they won’t really care about the distinction. Who can blame em.

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9. February 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I think this winter has been been very sheltered for me. I just haven’t been getting out enough. the world is changing around me and leaving me behind even faster than normal.

I know this because the other day I was leaving Home depot and a young man (and by that I mean young adult male older than 18) walked by me witha hoody and jeans on. Nothing I haven’t seen before. But what I hadn’t seen before was a young man walking down the street with a pacifier in his mouth. That’s right a baby pacifier or nook or plug or whatever different people call it. And yes I am sure it wasn’t a sucker or a tooth pick or a lollipop. I have seen my share of pacifiers and I know what they look like.

It was a pacifier. Now this is definitely new to me. Maybe this has been going on for a while and I just missed the craze. I’m just asking if someone can explain it to me. That’s all. I’m not judging. I’m just curious. Really.

I know we make our kids grow up way to fast now days. No time to be a child. So maybe this is just an outward gesture of that suppressed inner child who instead of getting to play in the mud after school was rushed off everyday after school to play soccer or tumble or whatever.

 Don’t talk to me about soccer.  Where’s my nook?

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5. February 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I was having some toast this morning with some peanut butter (not sure with or without salmonella) and some honey. I was thinking why is this so much better as toast as opposed to just bread.  And I thought, I don’t know, it just is.

 It was then I was glad that am not a scientist. Otherwise I would have to wonder why taking a piece of bread and removing moisture  and recooking part of it should taste better than not. I would think it can’t be a warmth comforty thing sine half the time one eats toast the toast in no overly warm by the time you get to eat it.

Being a scientist must be hard. Debunking or over analyzing the simple pleasures in life. The inability to let things just be as they are would be no fun. I will not join the no fun league. No I won’t.

Speaking of fun or funny. I was at the Verizon store today to have some contacts moved form one phone to another. While I was waiting I was looking at some of the latest gizmos available. I saw a Blackberry Storm. ooooh. I was reading through the features.  I thought one of them said Sheep Mode and I was thinking, exactly. Of course it said SleepMode as some battery saving feature, but I am pretty sure SheepMode is much more appropriate. And of course sheep are always funny.

Speaking of sheep, if you are into campy horror movies with sheep in them you should check out Black Sheep.  http://www.blacksheep-themovie.com/

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26. January 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I know the last thing we need is another old TV show turned into a movie, but I had this great idea today.

What we need is Mike Meyers to star in it just like he did in Austin Powers. The formula would work so well. Mike Meyers as Hogan (Austin Powers), Mike Meyers as Klink (Dr Evil), Mike Meyers as Schultz (Fat Bastard). Brilliant.

Someone should send this to Mike Meyers. Though I suppose that is probably annoying. I remember hearing about how Gary Larson (Farside) and Scott Adams (Dilbert) just get deluged with ideas they should use for their cartoons. I suppose it is annoying but maybe they could make a fortune putting  out a whole book of cartoons called “What Other People Thought I Should Do.” People would eat it up.

Maybe that’s what I should do. Ask people to comment with all these different things that they think are funny and then put them in the blog and then I become famous without having to do anything.

 I can start the list with the Hogan’s Heroes lead in. Send me ideas about the movie you would like to see made with exactly who you would want in it. They can be new movies or remakes or based on books.

I can feel the fame already oozing over to my side of the tracks. That’s right.

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19. January 2009 by Joe Gergen.

So the band I am in, Piper Down, is playing a concert at my house this week. We were supposed to play at a coffee shop but unfortunately the shop closed. So we decided to have a show anyway.

After we were done rehearsing yesterday, James, the guitar player, looks at me and asks, “Well, what did you think of that?”

It was odd and odd I suppose because oddly enough I had no idea what to think of it.  I play the fiddle and am used to playing with just a guitar player so when we added a bass and some percussion, I was like, what is all that noise coming from behind me…

Whoever thought they were in control of what this band was going to sound like is clearly not in control anymore. It’s like Frankenstein’s monster in that we have no idea what we have created, but of course that in no way will stop us from unleashing it on the world. . Lord have mercy on anyone who gets in the way.

But it’s not really a new feeling or me. I get that same feeling often with some of my pieces of furniture.  I think, where in the hell did that idea come form and how did it it end up made out of wood.

Though maybe that’s the secret to these interesting developments. You just plant the seed, do a little cultivating and weeding and get out of the way. Let nature do the work. From a small acorn…

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14. January 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I was at the coop the other day, actually yesterday, and I heard one clerk telling another clerk that he needed to read the Little House on the Prairie books. Why, he asks. She said because it will make you see what it was like to go through a really tough winter. I think she was right.

Perhaps we have lost perspective. I think back to my parent’s generation. Not that long ago. I remember the countless stories of how cold and nasty winter was.  About having to wake up in the morning and break the ice on the water in the wash basin so you could clean up, and this was inside. The snow drifts that went to the top of the electrical poles. The poor persons who died in the blizzard because the conditions were so bad they could see no more than a few feet, only to be discovered the next day 20 feet from their farm house.

And now when it is -20 degrees, we complain because our car barely started, because there is a draft in our 68 degreehouse, because our hands go momentarily cold while shoveling snow. Boy that’s rough.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am totally aware that if you were to get caught out in this kind of cold weather it could easily kill you.

But we also quickly forget that when when the winter came around in the north, past generations did a lot of holing up. Getting out and about in the winter, especially in rural areas, was a big deal. They essentially hibernated.

Of course now days if we can’t get out for a few days we all get cabin fever horribly bad. God forbid when it is 20 below that we stop carting our kids around to extracurricular activities 5 days a week or expecting that I can do all the same things I would do on a nice spring day. God forbid we would take advantage of the freezing weather to just slow down for a moment.

So put some long underwear on, a big sweater too, get underneath a woolly blanket and curl up on the couch with a book.  Come on, I know you can do it. I know people who still do.

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1. January 2009 by Joe Gergen.

I just got done watching Hell Boy II. You know, a movie about a demon who works for the government to save us from menaces.

So in the middle of the movie there is this scene where one of the characters is falling for another character and he puts on Barry Manilow’s “Can”t Smile without You.” An obviously sentimental song that brings some comic relief to the movie. But it’s still  a movie about a demon fighting bad guys, except that when the credits roll we get to hear the Barry Manilow blasting out. Again Yes, it was funny but it seemed so, ah, incongruous.

So it’s been a superhero holiday season.  Hell Boy on New Years and we watched the Dark Knight on Christmas Eve. I suspect I’ll be watching the Incredible Hulk on Valentine’s Day.

Oh and I suppose it is happy New Year to you all. I look forward to continuing a supply of misreadings and fascinating insights.

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