6. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

I have been intrigued for the last few days by some Hershey’s Mint Chocolate Candy Canes. I saw them the other day at the grocery store. Being a chocolate-loving person, I suspected they would disappoint. Not because they would necessarily be bad but that they would not be chocolate.  I am thinking they would smell a great deal like some good chocolate but would not taste like chocolate. Perhaps not as bad but somewhere in the realm of chocolate soda pop, smells good but tastes really not like chocolate.

I am pretty sure I will buy some before the holiday season is over. The good thing is the pack of 12 will probably last until spring as I will resort to eating them only when I have a severe sweet tooth and there is nothing else to satisfy the craving.

Kind of like I buy eggnog every year except that I really like eggnog.  But it’s so rich I can only drink a cup of it and I assure it will not last until spring. I’ll still buy some.  Though this year I am going to have a backup drink.  I was at a party a couple weeks ago and had some hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks.  That was good. Maybe a little too good.  And I didn’t even put any booze in it. And clearly much less filling.

And for those of you who love chocolate or know someone who does, Linda introduced me to BT McElrath a few years ago.  Just amazing.

http://www.btmcelrath.com/

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5. December 2008 by Joe Gergen.

You know how sometimes when you eat out for breakfast or decide to make a big brunch that the amount of food, the fattiness or sweetness is all just a bit too much.  And you think after your done, I did not need 3000 calories for breakfast. I did not need two eggs, pancakes, hash-browns and sausage. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it the next time.

I thought I saw a product this morning that instead of raging against this behavior, seemed to embrace it. My nephew was making some breakfast this morning and saw he was going to make some sausage. I saw the box across the kitchen and was sure the box said “Sizzle and Seizure.” I thought, now that is embracing the spirit of the mega breakfast. No apologies.

The product name was actually “Sizzle and Serve” but we all know “Sizzle and Seizure” is more accurate and we accept the marketing ploy as the norm. Marketing. What a powerful thing. I was going to say that marketing is the opiate of the people, but that’s not quite right. But it is the something of the people for sure, I just haven’t put my finger on the right word. Maybe it’s the breakfast sausage of the people. Who knows.

I do know I made my nephew make me some breakfast while he was at it and so was in no ways deterred  by the overt or covert message of the “Sizzle and Seizure” sausage.

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2. November 2008 by Joe Gergen.

All I want for Christmas is a tablespoon. This is a significant moment in my life. I haven’t wanted anything for Christmas since I was ten. So, to want at all is significant. My spartan and minimalist existence has trained me to have little desire for physical things (except for chocolate).

Why and where did this disturbing rift in my psyche occur, you might ask. Well, it began with the tapioca. Yes, the tapioca. The tapioca that did not quite set right. Half set into slightly too firm lumps, the other half runny cream. I needed a knife to cut the one, a cup to drink the other.  Don’t get me wrong. It tasted good, since really bad things would have to happen to make that much milk sugar and vanilla taste bad. So why the issue. Because half the joy of eating tapioca is smooth, creamy, puddingesque textual sensation combined with the sweet creamy flavor. And I was robbed of that and I will not let that stand because I know how to make tapioca.

You see, it all started a couple month ago when I was cooking something and somehow I managed to break my tablespoon. I have no recollection of how it broke, though I distinctly recall thinking no big deal, I don’t cook that often or that precisely. In fact there are few things that I cook the same way twice. But despite being an erratic cook, I do know that there are certain things that need to be precise: baking and obviously now, tapioca. So since I am a minimalist at the time of the tablespoon breakage I decided there was no need to panic and buy another tablespoon and in fact it was one less physical possession that I would have to deal with.

Wrong! Obviously a tablespoon can be a good part of your life, since in making the tapioca I had to approximate the tablespoon amount and clearly got it wrong and therefore I suffered because of it. I mean, Prufrock measured out his life in coffee spoons so there clearly must be something there.

So that’s why I am putting a tablespoon on my Christmas list. And I am changing my definition of minimalist from zero possessions to zero possessions plus one tablespoon.

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29. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

Halloween is coming up. All kinds of ghoulish things will be brought up I am sure, and I must say that I had a ghoulish thought yesterday.

Lately I have been working on some new table lamps. And so a nice artsy lamp needs a nice artsy shade. Now if you know anything about lampshades, you know that the right one can be fairly expensive. In fact often its the shade that makes the lamp.

So not being able to often find the right shade or justify the expense, I have ventured into experimenting with making shades. The task is exciting and challenging, since I can in theory design the shade just so but also know that now I have control over the entire lamp and cannot blame a less than perfect shade on not being able to find or afford one.

But that’s not the point. The point is that as I was working towards a recent lamp shade design, as I was sitting alone in my house, as I was sitting with one light on in the living room, as I was sitting in with no sounds disturbing me the name “Ed Gein” floated into my mind. The infamous Ed Gein, who among many disturbing things in his insanity had made a lampshade out of human skin. 

I had to take a break form working on the lampshade. There are things that are not good for creativity. Not good at all.

I am going to blame the episode on the approach of Halloween and will return to making the lampshade, which I assure you is made strictly from paper and wood.

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20. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

Sean Connery is dashing and all but here’s the Scot you want to hang out with. Harry Lauder, Scottish singer from the ’30s. Here’s recording of his called “A Wee Doch an Doris.” Now this guy is having some fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIwGD_XQNSM

You’re not always sure what he is saying but I assure you it is about drinking (isn’t that right, Clark). And he is having  a good time singing about it.

We need some guys like this in our NordEast bars who start singing about a last drink before hitting the road at last call. Nope, you don’t see much of that.  You just see too many belligerent drunks blabbering on “I’ve had too much to drink? I haven’t had too much to drink. I HAVE had too much to drink. No, I haven’t had too much to drink.”

On further thought if some Scot started singing about a wee doch he’d probably just get beat up.

And on an  unrelated note. Strongbad rules.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwRXY5mgfLg

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17. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

To sleep, perchance to dream. Here’s a dream for my dear readers to help me analyze. Put your Freudian caps on and lets see what it all means.

Last night I had the strangest dream. I was in a tuxedo leaving a church where a wedding had just occurred. I got into this British sports car and there in the driver’s seat was Sean Connery sitting there whom I apparently had just married. It was winter and there was snow on the ground.  Mr Connery couldn’t drive too well in the snow and was fishtailing all over trying to get into traffic and was getting all frustrated. I turned to him and said, why are we married? We’re not even gay. He said something like, I don’t know.

That’s pretty much all I remember. I was pretty sure I was married and pretty sure I didn’t want to be. And I’m pretty sure I don’t want to remember more. Where did that come from? I don’t think I have though about or seen Sean Connery in a long time, though I did hear some Scottish singer witha  thick brogue the other day. I was at a wedding a month ago so maybe something lingering there. I did ride in my friend Rick’s little sports car six weeks ago or so. What does it all mean?

It’s even more perplexing than the time I dreamed I was pregnant. I think I woke up in a cold sweat after that one. That was a long time ago, probably before I knew how biology worked. Just kidding.

So are there any would-be dream analyzers out there?  The winner gets, well, the winner gets diddly because it was just a dream.

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15. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

If you’re going to write about the sun, I suppose you have to be prepared for songs about the sun to start running through your head.

Right now there is a war raging in my head. Who shall win and what might it mean is what concerns me.

In one corner we have “You are My Sunshine”.  Powered by the Ultra saccharin line “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, You make me happy when skies are gray, etc.” It’s only weakness is that it doesn’t go for the jugular with some puppy dogs and daisies.  But is able to hold in reserve the fact that the Man in Black himself recorded a version of it.

In the other corner we have the “Sunnyside of the Street” by the Pogues.  A seemingly brutal but perhaps ultimately optimistic look on life. Powered by these lyrics “Seen the carnival at rome, Had the women, I had the booze, All I can remember now, Is little kids without no shoes, So I saw that train And I got on it, With a heartful of hate, And a lust for vomit, Now I’m walking on the sunnyside of the street.” Not much to add to that except you probably follow it with a shot and not a spoonful of sugar.

I sense some sort of showdown here. But maybe Johnny Cash can walk over to the sunnyside of the street and have a beer with Shane MacGowan and work things out. I think that would be a good resolution.  
 

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9. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

A while ago I mentioned that my friend Rick won the “Best Legs in a Kilt Contest” at the St Paul Irish Fair. Well, he was wearing a Utilikilt, a working  man’s kilt. So far all you guys out there thinking you need a kilt, check out the Utilikilt web site.

Actually even if your not thinking of buying a Utilikilt, you should visit their website and watch some of the mock commercials that customers sent in.  Follow the link to see the list of mock commercials. Make sure to watch the one called “If It’s Not a Utilikilt.” I believe it is at the top of the list. If you’re not interested in buying a kilt, you might be after this.

http://www.utilikilts.com/?page_id=39

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8. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

I kind of listened to the presidential debate last night while I was doing something else. I don’t usually watch or listen to them because they don’t typically tell me anything new or they are just uncomfortable to watch.

But I thought the best part of the debate was listening to Tom Brokaw trying to keep the candidates in line to the format and time allocations. He had to get testy with them a couple times and even then I think they just did pretty much what they wanted.  And Brokaw just kept trying to keep them focused.

I wasn’t looking at the TV so I couldn’t see Brokaw’s face but his voice was clearly tinged with frustration at times. I can just hear Brokaw thinking, I retired so I wouldn’t have to deal with this crap. This is worse than trying to get teenagers to focus on something for two minutes at a time.

Of course at times some of the answers seemed almost to defy response. Again I can hear Brokaw thinking that great line from Adam Sandler’s ”Billy Madison”: “Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

Hey, that kind of sounds like this blog…

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1. October 2008 by Joe Gergen.

Yesterday I was looking for a homeopathic remedy (for what I shall not say) on the Internet. All kinds of things show up, of course. I misread one and thought it said “Homeopathic Cure for Sins.” I was like, Sweet.  Unfortunately it was actually Sinus and not sin.

Homeopathic medicine is an alternative to mainstream Western medicine, so I thought maybe there is a  homeopathic forgiveness  alternative to mainstream religious forgiveness. Kind of like  some homeopathic health cures don’t have the same nasty side effects as pharmaceuticals or surgery, so then a homeopathic cure for a sin might be free of typical side effects, say like guilt.

But maybe these cures really are out there. Or maybe they are not so much cures as treatments. Things like cleansings and meditations and herbals and body work. In essence, treating the spirit through the body.

Or maybe it wasn’t about the after effects but more of a vaccine. Perhaps it would stop you from sinning  or like a vaccine reduce the risk of sinning. Or perhaps it is like a sin contraceptive that allows you to sin but reduces or eliminates the repercussions. Or maybe that’s just called amorality.

Speaking of misreadings. As often as I misread things I am sure there are at times subconscious or Freudian things at play. Or maybe you just at times misread it be something you want it to be.

Like just now I was looking at envelope on desk that I was reading the back of. Granted I was reading it upside down and it had one of those “Printed on Recycled Paper” logos and says Printed on recycled Paper containing at least 30% post consumer waste.

What I saw was “Contaminated at least 30%.” I’m not sure what that would mean but I thought it was maybe like hamburger that is “At last 75% lean” though I am not sure if I really know what that means either.

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